Doublespeak (巧言/謊言)

Our world is in deep trouble. The terrorists are striking everywhere: in Europe, in Pakistan, in Afghanistan, in Turkey, in China. When people are not busy killing others, they are busy killing themselves, like in Hong Kong. And mad men are on a rampage of mass killings in Japan, in France and in America. 

Of course, there are lots of reason why people do what they do. But I'm sure that one of the reasons may be that people are now systematically trained, for the purposes of easier control and manipulation by those in power NOT to look at reality in the face and to call a spade a spade. We are now flooded and swamped daily by words that don't really "mean" what they say, by what some have called "doublespeak". An even simpler word for that kind of talk is "lies".

Accountant's Jokes (會計師笑話)

Whenever we think of accountants, we tend to see them as solid staid and grim individuals who won't hesitate to spend $5,000 worth of work just to find out where the mistake/s was/were in your accounts that led to a 50 cents difference between the figures on the credit and the debit side of a set of ledgers or accounts. But sometimes, they may have a lighter side as well.  What do I mean?

1.  Inflation

Wife to Accountant husband: Darling, can you explain to me what exactly is "inflation" in terms that I can understand?
Accountant Husband: 
               Oh, that's really easy. 
               Earlier you were 36-24-36. 
               But now you are 48-40-48. 
               Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before.

活學活用成語 (Innovative Uses of Traditional Chinese Idioms)

看書雖然好，但若不幸遇到短話長說而又為某些原因不能不看的作者時，唯有硬著頭皮，忍氣吞聲，先看其結論後以飛快的速度選讀其書有關部分以完成任務，然後唞一唞，鬆一口氣，再看看手機或網上有沒有些有趣的東西，以解解壓。哈哈，居然給我找到朋友傳來已久但無暇看的三十個令人拍案叫絕的成語新用，看後頓時悶氣盡消。

獨樂樂不如眾樂樂....

1     最短的季節………….一日三秋
2     最長的腿  ……...……一步登天
3     最吝嗇的人………….一毛不拔
4     最快的流水………….一瀉千里
5     最大的地……………..一望無垠
6     最大的巴掌…………...隻手遮天
7     最貴的話……………...一諾千金
8     最快的話....................一言既出駟馬難追
9     最重的話……………....一言九鼎
10   最重的頭髮………......一髮千鈞
11   最長的棍子….............一柱擎天
12   最高的瀑布………......一落千丈
13   最好當的先生……......一字之師
14   最遠的分離………...... 天壤之別
15   最徹底的美容術...... ... 面目全非
16   最長的一天………..... .度日如年
17   最小的郵筒………...... 難以置信
18   最長的句子……... .......文不加點
19   最大的被子……….....   鋪天蓋地
20   最大的影集………....... 包羅萬象
21   最反常的氣候……........晴天霹靂
22   最大的手術………........脫胎換骨
23   最怪的物…………........ 虎頭蛇尾
24   最難做的飯…………......無米之炊
25   最小的針…………........無孔不入
26   最費時的工程……........ 百年樹人
27   最大的家……………..... 四海為家
28   最寬闊的胸懷……........ 虛懷若谷
29   最厲害的賊……………...偷天換日
30   最艱難的爭辯…….........理屈詞窮

真的，世上沒有甚麼比製造那怕是一丁點兒的歡樂更重要了!

Weekend Gags (週末搞笑)

I've been posting jokes every weekend here for quite some time now. Sometimes, fun can be had without words. They can be entirely visual. If so, we don't have to know a single word and still be able to derive enjoyment from pure images. And things don't always need to make sense. In fact, part of the fun may arise precisely because they don't make any sense at all. So here's some purely visual fun. Enjoy.

Weekend Fun (週末趣味)

Weekend fun has been around for quite a while. But never once has any videos been played here. As it's close to the end of the year, it may not be a bad idea if weekend fun were to go from verbal to visual. Here's something I got from the internet. Enjoy.

Have Fun. Have a nice weekend.

Weekend Fun (週末樂趣)

Japan is a tiny country with a huge population and is the third largest economy the world, ranking after only America and China. Everything there is meticulously regulated. It appears a no nonsense country. Yet. believe it or not,Japan is just 1/26th the size of America, even smaller than the state of Montana. Perhaps out of jealousy, perhaps  because tiny Japan is the only country in US history which dared attack the USA, Americans like to joke about them. The following are taken from the internet.

1. 
Q: Did you ever hear about any Japanese winner in any international beauty contest? 
A: Me neither. 

Weekend Fun (週末趣味)

It seems that many Americans don't like France. Perhaps that may be because the French won't bow to the American political agenda as easily as the American government would like them to whether it be in Europe or in the Middle East. Whatever the true reasons might be, I find lots of hostility towards the French in American jokes about France.The following are from an internet website on jokes on the French.

1 . 
Q: What's the difference between France and Quebec?
A: Quebec has prettier women and colder beer.

Saturday Fun (星期六趣味)

The way the Germans deal with prostitution is more or less the way they deal with their BWM's and Mercedes Benzes:  pragmatically, systematically and seriously. But there's a sense in which prostitution is anything but serious.


1.

Q: Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
A: O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!

German Jokes (德國笑話)

Sociologists tell us that all groups like to stereotype others who don't belong to their group. One of the best ways of seeking confirmation of that may well be through the the kind of jokes different ethnic or national groups tell about each other. The following is from someone who claims to be married to a German.

1. 

Q: What is the difference between a French pensioner, an English pensioner and a German pensioner?
A: The French pensioner drinks a glass of wine for breakfast .
The  English pensioner reads The Times while eating breakfast and then goes to the golf club.
The German pensioner takes a blood pressure tablet and sets off to work.


2. 

A German and an American placed bets on whose house would be built first.
Four weeks later the American said ‘Only 14 days and I’m done’
The German said ‘Only 14 more forms to fill out and then I can start!”

3.

 A guest arrives at a restaurant and decides to order his meal.
The waiter arrives promptly to take his order.
The guest asks: ‘Do you have frog legs?’
The waiter answers: ‘No, that’s just the way I walk!‘”

4.

Three astronauts from Russia, America and Germany were discussing who is the most adventurous in space.
The Russian said ‘We are, as we were the first country to go into space’.
The American argued ‘We are, as we were the first to put a man on the moon.’
The German said ‘We WILL be as we will be the first to land on the sun.’
The others said that this isn’t possible as it would be too hot.
The German argued “We have already thought of this: we will fly at night!”

5.

This question was presented to a German national: 
‘What do you think is the biggest problem in Germany? Uncertainty or indifference?’
 He answered: ‘I don’t know and I don’t care!’”

6.

Q:  What is the difference in Germany between a Turkish person and a Bavarian?
A:  The Turkish person can speak better German!


7.  

An American, a Frenchman and a German were sitting in a pub.
Suddenly, Jesus appeared.
The American said ‘If it’s true you can work miracles, can you please cure my injured knee?’
The Frenchman asked Jesus ‘If it’s true you can work miracles, can you please cure my terrible backache?’
The German then looked at Jesus and said ‘Stay right away from me, I’ve just been signed off ill for six weeks!’”

8.
 
Q:  On which day do German civil servants work the most?
A:  On a Monday.  They need to cross off two days on their calendars!

9.

Man: 'Boss, is it OK if I finish work two hours earlier today as my wife wants me to go shopping with her?
Boss: ‘Absolutely not.’
Man: ‘Thanks – I knew I could count on you!’”

10.

A German Judge says to the accused: ‘You are charged with luring your neighbour into the forest and then savagely beating him. Do you not think you went a bit too far?’
Accused: ‘Yes, you are right. I should have done it much earlier. In the meadow before I reached the forest!’”


11.
 
Hairdresser to customer: ‘Your hair is going grey’.
Customer: ‘I'm not surprised. You take so long to cut it!’”

12.

"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Dry?"
"Nein, I said TWO!"

Have a nice week ahead of you.

Saturday Fun (星期六趣味)

Just visited one of the neatest temples in Hong Kong: a Buddhist temple in the Tai Po area. I am most impressed. There we were given an initial taste of what Buddhism is all about. The staffs and volunteers there are most pleasant. Perhaps the only thing missing  from them is a sense of humor. But there can be humor not only by but also about Buddhists and Buddhism.

1.

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.

Jokes which are no jokes for this weekend (是週末笑話的笑話)

September 3 , 2015 is a special day. On that day, the PRC staged its first military parade in its 66-year history to celebrate the 70th anniversary of China's victory over the Japanese invaders. Whenever we see Chinese soldiers in smart uniforms marching in perfect unison and rows and rows of military trucks and armored vehicles smoothly following one another and jet fighters flying in well drilled flight formation, it's difficult not to be impressed by their magnificence. But once I realized that they are all moving like perfect robots, including our head of state and chief of the nation's armed forces crying out in a tired voice on an emotionless face time after time the standardized greetings "How are you, comrades" alternatively " Comrades, it's difficult on you" and that all such uniformed troops and weaponry are nothing but killing machines, created for the express purpose of  destroying lives and properties of flesh and blood human beings and thoughts of maimed bodies and of the unconsolable cries of thousands of mothers, wives and children witnessing or being told about the deaths and injury of their loved ones surged up in my mind, a chill went down my spine. It's a parade of the angels of death! Hardly a cause for celebration. The thoughts of Laotzu sprang up in my mind: "He who has exterminated a great multitude of men should bewail them with tears and lamentation. It is well that those who are victorious in battle should be placed in the order of funeral rites."‧Cap 31 (殺人之眾, 以悲哀泣之, 戰勝以喪禮處之). September 3 should be a day of reflection and mourning.  So this week, I shall post 5 jokes which are not jokes by a Chinese historian by 馮學榮 in his blog post dated 9th April 2015. I apologize for spoiling your fun. My heart is heavy. I fear for China and its billions of innocent and not so innocent people. My only consolation is that on that same day, our head of state announced cutting our military forces by 300,0000

It is well to remember what Hemingway who fought for the Republicans in the Spanish Civil War said: "They wrote in the old days that it is sweet and fitting to die for one's country. But in modern war, there is nothing sweet nor fitting in your dying. You will die like a dog for no good reason."  Albert Einstein, the discoverer of the formula of E=MC2 which helped create the world's first nuclear bombs had this to say about war: "He who joyfully marches to music rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be part of so base an action! It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.” Samuel Johnson says it most succinctly: "Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel."

Patriotism alone is bad enough but a patriotism built on ignorance of the facts of history may be fatal, not only for the people but for their nation.


國人歷史觀的幾個笑柄   2015年4月9日 16:29

文／馮學榮，作家，著有《日本為什麼侵華》、《中國歷史的側面Ⅱ》、《親歷北洋》等

Saturday Fun (星期六趣味)

Just as I was plunged into despair as I witnessed the loss of more and more of what little is left of my dwindling supply of new hair whilst scratching my head on what kind of Saturday fun I should post, help arrived from one of my friends. If not for him, you would never be able to enjoy the delight which may follow on a subject of eternal interest to all men and perhaps to some ladies nowadays as well although for appearances, the latter would never openly admit the same and even if they couldn't help giggling, they would invariably emit some noises ostensibly protesting about how "disgusting" or "revolting" or "gross" or how "naughty" etc. the jokes are, as if somehow they have evolved into a kind of being living in a world where this most natural activity could be completely absent or has become entirely dispensable.

1.  

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married men not allowed. 
We serve the needy, not the greedy.