German Jokes (德國笑話)

Sociologists tell us that all groups like to stereotype others who don't belong to their group. One of the best ways of seeking confirmation of that may well be through the the kind of jokes different ethnic or national groups tell about each other. The following is from someone who claims to be married to a German.

1. 

Q: What is the difference between a French pensioner, an English pensioner and a German pensioner?
A: The French pensioner drinks a glass of wine for breakfast .
The  English pensioner reads The Times while eating breakfast and then goes to the golf club.
The German pensioner takes a blood pressure tablet and sets off to work.


2. 

A German and an American placed bets on whose house would be built first.
Four weeks later the American said ‘Only 14 days and I’m done’
The German said ‘Only 14 more forms to fill out and then I can start!”

3.

 A guest arrives at a restaurant and decides to order his meal.
The waiter arrives promptly to take his order.
The guest asks: ‘Do you have frog legs?’
The waiter answers: ‘No, that’s just the way I walk!‘”

4.

Three astronauts from Russia, America and Germany were discussing who is the most adventurous in space.
The Russian said ‘We are, as we were the first country to go into space’.
The American argued ‘We are, as we were the first to put a man on the moon.’
The German said ‘We WILL be as we will be the first to land on the sun.’
The others said that this isn’t possible as it would be too hot.
The German argued “We have already thought of this: we will fly at night!”

5.

This question was presented to a German national: 
‘What do you think is the biggest problem in Germany? Uncertainty or indifference?’
 He answered: ‘I don’t know and I don’t care!’”

6.

Q:  What is the difference in Germany between a Turkish person and a Bavarian?
A:  The Turkish person can speak better German!


7.  

An American, a Frenchman and a German were sitting in a pub.
Suddenly, Jesus appeared.
The American said ‘If it’s true you can work miracles, can you please cure my injured knee?’
The Frenchman asked Jesus ‘If it’s true you can work miracles, can you please cure my terrible backache?’
The German then looked at Jesus and said ‘Stay right away from me, I’ve just been signed off ill for six weeks!’”

8.
 
Q:  On which day do German civil servants work the most?
A:  On a Monday.  They need to cross off two days on their calendars!

9.

Man: 'Boss, is it OK if I finish work two hours earlier today as my wife wants me to go shopping with her?
Boss: ‘Absolutely not.’
Man: ‘Thanks – I knew I could count on you!’”

10.

A German Judge says to the accused: ‘You are charged with luring your neighbour into the forest and then savagely beating him. Do you not think you went a bit too far?’
Accused: ‘Yes, you are right. I should have done it much earlier. In the meadow before I reached the forest!’”


11.
 
Hairdresser to customer: ‘Your hair is going grey’.
Customer: ‘I'm not surprised. You take so long to cut it!’”

12.

"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Dry?"
"Nein, I said TWO!"

Have a nice week ahead of you.